I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
wanna go halves on a baby?
no, he came in my armpit
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
