god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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