...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
