When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
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