woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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