fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
