I like my sex mixed with concussions.
i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Randomize
