I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
