Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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