you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
