i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
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