What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
