This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
