just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
