oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
