Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Randomize
