Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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