I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
this just has baby written all over it
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
