Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
