i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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