I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize
