you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I touched a dick in church today
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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