You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
