I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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