hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize