Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
babies were throwing up all over the place
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
