i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
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