The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
