people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
ugly people sure do ruin things
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
