I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
