dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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