There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
