i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
there is glitter all over my balls
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
