it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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