You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
