Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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