Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
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