I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
