Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
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