okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
