She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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