So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
Randomize
