Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
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