Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
