I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
