i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
