if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize