Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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