Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
