having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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