I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
pray to the hookup gods
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize