There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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