party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
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