and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
