I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize