Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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