I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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